Lorne Elliott
Music, Comedy, Theatre
Musician, Comedian, Playwright, Novelist

Air Canada Song
(click the above to download mp3 file of song from Madly Off taping in Sudbury. More to come soon!

Here are the words and chords of some much-requested songs.
First off, just had a call for "The Smallest Thing That's Known to Man" (also called "The Shower Song") and "Betty Windsor's Back In Town" as well as "I Like You (Nootka The Killer Whale)"so I'll put them first
Further down you'll find "Morris The Moose" and "That's how you end up" (the driving acronym song) "Knee Deep in the Manitoba Mud" and"My Dog Has Fleas"( with ukelele tab)
Also, NEW! a Poem: The Mosquito.
And THIS JUST IN! Granny Gets Plastered chords! Plus, in response to a listener, THE WORDS to "Granny Gets Plastered".
Jan 27 2003: Just got a request for a poem which illustrates the difference between a strathspey and a reel which we aired from our Mabou show. You'll find that one if you scroll almost to the end.
Then you'll find the words and chords to "Crappy Band" followed by two requested poems: "THE PLOT OF HAMLET" and "ROMEO AND JULIETTE IN TWO LIMERICKS"
Drop me a line if you need any other words or chords.
Also,(this just in!) The words for "The Only Tune He Knew Was The St. Anne's Reel"

The Smallest Thing That's Known to Man

The smallest thing that's known to man's a subatomic particle measured scientifically under lab conditions to be ten centimetres taken to the minus thirteenth power
But though this thing is very small it's really not that small at all compared to the line that is ever so fine, that seperates the hot from the cold on the handle of my shower
But even if you manage to adjust it just exactly like you like it there are still one hundred thousand different combinations different permutations things which can and maybe will go wrong
Like when I'm in the shower with the woman that I love, and just at the moment of extreme excitation some guy in the apartment below turns his dishwasher on.
And the water comes out cold and my woman goes eek! and steps on the soap nearly breaks her neck as it was she only suffered from some minor scrapes and bruises because just as she was falling she made a desperate grab for the nearest thing around her so that no fatal harm would occur
which was fortunate for her but unfortunate for me cause the thing she made a grab for happened to be something near and dear to both of us tho' to be fair she wasn't thinking how extremely dear it was to me as how conveniently near it was to her
But it's an interesting biologic metabolic fundamnetal scientific not to say a physiological fact
That when subjected to the stimulus of sub-zero h2o the male private areas have the tendency to rapidly contract.
So this is what they did, and that is why she missed them, made a grab behind them, what it was she finally caught
Was the handle of my shower which she twisted as she fell past the smallest thing that's known to man and suddenly the water came out ...Hot
And I went eek! and I fainted unconcious and my woman got me outa there and twe weeks later my poor private areas finally got the courage to emerge tho' even now they haven't yet regained their normal size and weight and span
In fact for a while there they had successfully broken all previous world records for the smallest thing that's known to man.

Betty Windsor (Muddy Waters type blues)

Better shape up
Better dress right
If you can't watch your language
Better shut your mouth tight
You society ladies
Stand in line
bow or curtsey
Don't whimper or whine
better be on your best behaviour
When she's around
'Cause Betty windsor's back in town

Speak the Queen's English
When she speaks to you
But you better not speak
Till your spoken to
better agree with
Anything she say
and particularly don't go into some republican rant about how come if she's the richest woman in the world: She doesn't pay taxes, eh?
If you insult her
You're goin' down
Betty Windsor's back in town

Betty Windsor doesn't like it
If she catch you fooling about
She's got two vicous corgies
who will rip your throat right out
and if you are still breathing
and if it's trouble you still seek
You re gonna have to answer to
her sidekick, Phil the Greek

All those other world figureheads
I've seen em come and seen em go
The Pope gets bigger crowd
But not with as much dough
She's still standing
The big cheese, The big wheel
an little old lady wavin' a white glove
which covers a fist of steel
Better watch your step
when she's around
Betty Windsor's back in town

I Like You (Nootka The Killer Whale)

(Chords are C F G and Am, though not in that particular order. Dead simple.)

Nootka the killer whale laughed and played
Down in the Ocean he splashed and sprayed
people would come to the shore to see how
He could jump and they'd say "wow!"
He'd swim near, they'd wade in and
Move real close reach out their hand
To pat him on the nose and when they did
He'd smile... and then he'd eat them.

Singing "Come to the sea and be my meal
I'm sick and tired of eating baby seal.
I'm a killer whale, stupid, It's what I do
Other whales like plankton but I Like You."

Little Billy Boo liked to play
Down by the ocean then one day
He saw splashing out at sea
A smiling Nootka, so then he
Waded in the water as Nootka came near
Smiling as if to say "No Fear"
Billy reached out his hand and then...
a great white shark killed Nootka

All the people on shore saw and yelled hooray
For the great while shark that killed Nootka that day
They ran into the sea to carry out Billy Boo
So the great white shark killed them all too.

The moral of the story is don't be a dummy
if you don't want tend up in some aquatic predator's tummy
Stay away from Nature where it's kill or be killed
if the sharks don't get you, the grizzly ears will
And when you walk around your neighbourhood always carry a gun
shoot first and ask questions when you're done
'Cause if you don't, it just might be
That you'll end up like Nootka
Or Billy
Or all the people on the beach who ran to save Billy
Or the Great White Shark who was hunted down and slaughtered in a vicious bloodbath
Now go to sleep

Morris the Moose

by Lorne Elliott

Let me tell you the story about Morris the Moose
He wandered the woodlands and strode through the spruce
And as he would wander he'd often let loose
with a song. It was his one and only
It went: whooooooooannn whooooooooannn whooooooooannn
which if you speak moose means "I'm lonely"

And then came the day as he wandered along
he thought he heard something, but could he be wrong?
Was that in the distance a female moose song
sounding so sad and so blue?
It went whooooooooannn whooooooooannn whooooooooannn
To a moose that means "I'm lonely too."

His ears they revolved and his nostrils they flared
His antlers a-quivered and upright he rared
Neither for branches nor brambles he cared
Nor whether he'd stumble or fall

He crashed through a beaverpond, ran on until
Just as he crested the top of a hill
in a clearing below he saw there standing still
A moose hunter with a moose call

He was looking back at Morris with a smile on his face
As if to say "I knew you'd come to this place
Would you like to hear now at the end of your chase
once more the song that brought ya?
it goes whooooooooannn whooooooooannn whooooooooannn
which in moose hunter means "gotcha!"

He dropped his moose call and he picked up his gun
before Morris knew what was next to be done
before he could turn, before he could run
from what the future foreboded
He aimed down the barrel and Morris felt sick
as he thumbed off the safety release with a flick
and then pulled the triggerand the sound it went "click"
which if you speak gun means "not loaded"

And then right on cue came a godawful large
sudden noise from the woods, then from out of it's marge
Another moose crashed with a bellowing charge
which if you speak human means run

And that hunter he ran without looking around
not stopping till he reached his home in the town
gave up hunting forever and can still there be found
telling tall tales of which this is one

and Morris came down to the clearing and he
said "Thanks fellow moose for rescuing me."
And the cow moose replied, (for it was a she)
"Put it out of your mind altogetter
I was lured by the call myself. When I heard two
Thought I'd lost out, but then I saw how to help you
Sometimes things don't work out like you'd like them to
But still end up working out better"

Now Morris and his mate the woodland all o'er
sing now like moose who have someone to sing for
and if you sing too we could make quite a roar
are you ready, get set, make it snappy.
whooooooooannn whooooooooannn whooooooooooannnn
which if you speak moose means "I'm happy."

Chords

ccfc
fcdg
ffcc
fcg
ccfc
fcdg
ffcc
fgc

Chorus:
Am Dm f G
Am Dm f G

That's How You End Up
By Lorne Elliott

Some SOB in an SUV
Passed me in my LTD
while driving on the TCH one day.
I stepped upon the gas but he
Thought HE would too ASAP
and leave me in the dust with SFA
Well this behaviour PO'd me
So straining ev-er-y CC
I thought I'd overtake him PDQ
He looked at me, thought AOK
You want a race, I'll have to lay
some rubber, can you smell it burn? PU

That's how you end up DOA
That's how you end up RIP
In the ICU in the ER
But no A-Mount of CPR
will resucitate you you're DEAD

Our KPH is mounting high
with tires at maximum PSI
and pistons blasting loud as TNT
Our AC's pumpin' BTU's
straining our engines but not our IQ's
when that SOB He honked at me
so revving up my RPM
I honked MYOB at him
And looked ahead and saw a GMC
swervin' like DWI
Coming at me so that's why
I went off the road made like and ATV

My 1 intention in my head was
2 survive not end up dead a
3 car pileup I ain't looking
4 (but wait) all
5 of my senses telling me deep
6 this plan immediately or
7 rhymes with heaven I'd anticip-
8 (There's more) All
9 lives on a scale of one to
10 I'd used up, but just then
I swerved back on the road in time to see
The car I thought was DWI
had turned and stared chasing us. Why?
Four letters on his door: RCMP

The chords go:
Em Am B7 Em
Em Am B7 Em
Am Em B7 (C7 C#7 C7 B7)
Em Am B7 Em

Chorus
E7 B7 E7 A7 E7B7 E7

Knee Deep In the Manitoba Mud

The clouds opened up and the rain came down
and just kept a comin' till it soaked the ground
So I hopped in the pick-up to take a look around
Thinkin' I just dunno
If it was safe for the harvest to begin
Then the wheels of my pickup started to spin
and the more they spun the deeper they dug in
and all I could say was "oh no."

Chorus
I was Knee deep in the Manitoba Mud
Haven't seen so much since the Manitoba Flood
It's part prairie gumbo and part farmer blood
And sweat and tears and heartache

So I brought down the tractor to pull out the truck
and hooked er to the ball hitch and sank in the muck
and damned if that tractor didn't get stuck
Won't tell you what I was thinkin'
So I borrowed a backhoe and, guess what?
Right up to the axel no matter how I fought
That field was looking like a farm machinery lot
That was slowly sinking

Next came the combine and family car
My neighbour's Winnebago and the wife's windstar
My wife came down said "you've gone too far"
I had to admit I know what she meant
Then the clouds broke up and the rain stopped coming down
and the sun broke through and shone around
and drained the puddles and dried the gound...
Dried it harder than ce-ment

I was Knee deep in the Manitoba Mud
Haven't seen so much since the Manitoba Flood
It's part prairie gumbo and part farmer blood
But mostly farm machinery


Chords are just a repeating cycle of c g c and d. Continue till your hand drops off


MY DOG HAS FLEAS

My Dog has Fleas
So I took him to the vet
He said "there's nothing to do except
spread fea-eating spiders all up and down
his back
that will stop the flea attack
That will get rid of his fleas
That'll be twenty bucks please."
My dog has spiders
They're making webs in his hair
and they're givin' quite a scare
and my dog was going crazy, he was going mad so then
I took him to the vet again
he said "to get rid of this spider culture
Get some spider-eatiung vultures"
My dog has vultures
He ain't gettin much sleep
as soon as he closes his eyes they creep
Right up beside him gazing hungrily he's a nervous wreck
So I took him to the vet
he said this may sound preposterous
get yourself a few rhinoceros
My dog has rhinos
They're making a mess of our home
Won't leave the houseplants alone
And my dog died of heart attack when he first saw them and I fear
They're startimg to scratch behind their ears
they seem to have caught a disease
My Rhinos have fleas

Here's The Tab
Chords are G C D
G C D
3 - 0 - 2
0 - 1 - 3
0 - 0 - 2
0 - 2 - 0

that's the three chords I use with the numbers referring to the frets I put my finger behind on a 4 string ukelele. The way I sing it is...
G My Dog has Fleas,So I took him to the (C)vet
D He said "there's nothing to do ex (D)cept
spread flea-eating spiders all up and down
his (G)back,
C that will stop the flea att(C)ack
That will get rid of his (D) fleas
That'll be twenty bucks(G) please......." etc.


The Mosquito
(The audience should be instructed to supply the Weeeeee and Slap sounds)

All night I stalk the wild mosquito, and all night it stalks me.
I lay my head upon my pillow, close eyes wearily
and when the lights are out a whining comes into my ear(wheeee)
and so I do not fall asleep, because I know it's here.
It stops!
I know it's landed, and I think I feel it on
my neck and so I slap it (SLAP!),
but when I do, it's gone
And so I settle back and just as off to sleep I drift(weeee)
that whining sound I hear again and so I wake and shift
onto my side my arm to free until it should alight
and when I feel it on my cheek I (SLAP!) with all my might
My face is stinging now, but I'm pretty sure it's dead
Then when I settle down once more I hear that sound I dread.
I up and turn the lights on, look for the little brute
examine every corner of the room and hall to boot
I'm bruised and battered, bleeding now, the smell of blood is in
the air which brings in more mosquitoes and their evil kin
The bedroom walls are splattered now with bloody splotches where
I've crushed them and the smell of bug spray lingers in the air
so Toxic I can't breathe, I gasp! And still I hear that WEEEEEEEE
All night I stalk the wild mosquito, all night it stalks me.


GRANNY GETS PLASTERED (Tonight's the Night)

Mom is out and Dad is out and we're here all alone
They said they'd phone at bedtime, so we unhooked the phone
They've taken the liquor cabinet key, but a crowbar works just as well
'Cause tonight's the night we're gonna get Granny platered

We spiked her cup of tea with rum, and a twinkle came in her eye
"A glass of Sherry'd be nice", she said, so we spiked her sherry with rye
She throttled the bottle of whisky with a cry of "What the Hell!"
It was a sight the night we got Granny plastered.

'Cause when Granny gets plastered, it is a disaster, she smokes she sings she swears
Her legs get all weavy, it's better than TV, she throws the piano downstairs.
But don't ever doubt it, the best thing about it, when Granny has had a few,
Is she doesn't like to drink alone, so she gets us plastered too.

She got out her records, seventy eights, but the stereo doesn't play
The speed they need till you wire it four forty but when it is done that way
It causes the records to burst into flames. Good the Aquarium was near.
The tropical fish don't like it when Granny gets plastered.

Our parents got home at midnight but by then she'd barred the door
So they went for the cops, but by then she'd fetched
And loaded the forty-four
She claimed she aimed above their heads, just her aim's not up to par
And what with the taxes she'd paid in her life,
They should cover the new squad car

Granny's been hungover, we've been grounded for a year
And Dad has caught religion
Since Mom started hittin' the beer
They sent Granny away for the rest of her days
To live in an old age home
Where she's doing quite well with her new clientelle
Since she opened that bar of here own

I've been getting some requests asking how to play Granny Gets Plastered on the guitar, so I thought I'd post the chords and layout of the song here. I haven't put the lead break in, but feel free to make one up yourself, of course. I play it in D but I tune the guitar up three half tones, so that would be like a regularly tuned guitar with a capo on the third fret. But that's where I find it convenient to sing. You may want to try it in some other key.
The rhythm is 6/8 or jig time, which just means you strum the guitar to the sound of jiggedy jiggedy jiggedy jiggedy etc....
The chords go...
(Slow part)

D Bm G D
G D E A
D Bm G D
G D A D

You play that Twice

Then the Chorus cuts in, which goes:

G G D D
G G A D
D A D G
D A D

Then you go back to body of the song which goes:

D G D
G D E A
D G D
G D A D

which is basically the slow part sped up without the B minor
Then you do that a few times and then there's a slow part again and a chorus, and then a big finish and then you sit back and drink in the applause.

A strathspey is a type of fiddle dance, usually paired with a reel and I'll do a poem to illustrate both rhythms

Stratspey rhythm goes:

I'm Fed up with the folderol I'm fed-up with the politics
I'm fed up with the backroom deals, the rumour mills the dirty tricks
This sick rheumatic beaurocratic mostly static Halifax
I'm packing up my things and off
To The West coast of Cape Breton

Now the reel

Where the streams cross beaches to the sea to the sea
Where the intervales are misty on the river Margaree
Theres a fiddle at the firehall and a bonfire on the beach
and the women and the men are a dancing each to each

Where the weather's always perfect and the soil is deep and fine
where the summers last forever and the sou' west winds don't whine
And theres never any blackfies and mosquitoes never bite
everybody loves each other, and neighbours never fight

and the pol-i-ticians are adored by the mob
And there's no unemployment everybody's got a job
And The only thing is wrong in the whole count-e-ree
is the people who write po-ems are all liars


CRAPPY BAND

We were young and we were stunned, oh yeah, we didn't have a clue
We were bored and we were broke with nothing better to do
Out of highschool out of money on a slippy downhill slope to nowhere
We didn't have no talent we were ugly dumb and poor
So normally it'd be College where we'd be headed for
but with our high-school marks we didn't have a hope to go there
With girls spitting on us as we passed (or just about )
And our parents making noises they were gonna kick us out
Only one thing left to do so we got together and
we decided we would start a rock and roll band
ONE TWO ONE TWO THREE
We were a crappy band
a really crappy band
If there's a bar in your town
we'll come and close it down
cause we're crappy

Our uncle had a bass which our aunt wouldn't let him play
Our school would lend us drums if we would go away
We bought the second hand guitar which though it sounded lousy looked the coolest
The first rehearsal we spent thinking up a name
The second how to wear our hair the third was the same
the fourh we made a set-list crossed it out and then we made a new list
the fifth we had an argument which turned into a fight
then our drummer told us he'd got us a gig the next night
We stopped fighting then We didn't know what to say
We looked at each other and thought "better learn to play"

CHORUS
(Alternate Chorus end)
We're coming to your town
with our crappy sound
yes we're crappy

(BRIDGE) In a small town
On a small stage
in a small bar
But none of these were small though as our repetoire.

spent a half hour tuning, broke a string, tuned up again
said "testing one two three" and then
Somebody yelled "Play something!" and we wished that we could
started on the first song in the wrong key
wrong chords wrong words all sung wrongly
The owner came and told us that the next song we' played had better be good
(SLOW) But we were rock-and-rollers no-one told US what to do
(Which since everyone was leaving could well turn out to be true)
So we were fired, and driving home, remembering what went wrong
We wrote a song about it; A Really Crappy SONG
CHORUS

I play this in open G, that is, tune both E strings down to a D and the A string down to a G.
If you strum the strings open you will be playing a G chord.
Now if you bar on the third, fifth, and seventh fret, you have the makings of this song.
The third is a Bflat, the fifth is a C and the Seventh is a D.
So the verse goes:
G Bflat C G
G Bflat C G
D C
D C D (One Two One Two Three)
Chorus
G
G
Bflat
C
G
Bridge
D C
D C

Good Luck!

THE PLOT OF HAMLET

Hamlet's Mom, she married the bum
who killed his Dad , so he faked being mad
Drove his would-be bride to suicide
which made him madder then he,
After much pandemanium, chatted to a cranium,
Put on a play, commenced to slay
All his enemies who fin'ly killed him too
To Be Or Not To Be.

ROMEO AND JULIETTE IN TWO LIMERICKS

Romeo and Juliette got all sappy
which made their families unhappy
So they thought up a plan
To help this out and
Sure enough things turned out crappy

He faked taking poison one night
Julliette, upon seeing this sight
killed HERself. He came to
Did Likewise. Boo hoo
Teenagers were NEVER that bright.

THE ONLY TUNE HE KNEW WAS THE ST. ANNE'S REEL

I went to a dance the other night sure as I'm
Startin' right on a dime
What a sight. What a crime
The fiddle player was a mite outta time
And the only tune he knew was the St. Anne's reel

It coulda been that he was drunk, whatta shame
As a skunk, who to blame?
But he stunk all the same
And every note he played was junk, really lame,
And the only tune he knew was the St. Anne's Reel.

And he played it and he slayed it, and he beat it to a snot
And he fried it, crucified it, just when everybody thought
He was finished, he replenished, and he started up a-gain
So there wasn't any way to stop the pain.

We hated it, we rated it the worst we ever heard
Coulda killed him woulda stilled him, no-one woulda said a word
but we couldn't cause he wouldn't stop to hear out our appeal
that we didn't want to hear the St. Anne's reel.

He didn't seem to get tired, just went on
Was he wired, all along
Wished him fired, long gone
We wondered who it was who hired him on
When the only tune he knew was the St Anne's reel

Soon it felt that we'd been had, so we cursed
It was sad at first
Went from bad to worst
We thought our lungs (we got so mad) would burst
As we yelled at him to stop the St Anne's reel

So cease oh please you're driving me insane
your squawling caterwauling is a-damaging my brain
It's phys-i-cally painful to hear every squawk and squeal
I do not wanta hear the St. Anne's Reel (Please Stop!)

Desist and resist the urge to recommence
We'll pay you not to play you'll get an ample recompence
I am sure that we can cure the problem work out a deal
But we do not wanta hear the St. Anne's Reel (please Stop!)

Mouth Music for a verse as the audience hopefully yells "please stop!" then repeat the First Verse, then stop.